Tag: relationships love criticism opportunities

Posted on July 11, 2015August 14, 2015

BY: Alan / 0 COMMENTS / CATEGORIES: Uncategorized

Opportunities to put Love into action

Does it ever tick you off when someone you care about calls you out on one of your annoying or irritating behaviors? Do you ever find yourself taken off-guard because you think you are being a pretty decent person, and then get slammed by a negative comment about something you did or didn’t do. Twenty things you just did right and the one wrong thing is the one that warrants the comment.

In fact, I just got called out by my wife yesterday on apparently being poor at putting things away after using them. More on that later. But it could be anything:

• You are always running late.

• You are so indecisive.

• Did you pass gas… AGAIN?

• You left the bathroom a mess.

• You are driving too fast/slow.

• How can you just sit there and watch TV when there is so much to do around here?

• Are you sure you want to eat that much? You’ve been putting some pounds on.

These are great opportunities for you to feel wrongly accused, judged, unappreciated and disrespected. But I’m about to suggest a different feeling, and a different opportunity that moments like this can offer you.

Face it, any two people doing life in close proximity to each other, no matter how in love they are, are going to have their little quirks and inconsistencies bubble up to the surface over time. No one is EVER going to be completely accepting of all of your little personality flaws. But we still seem to have some unspoken expectation that others shouldn’t ever be bothered by us. How absurd!

Of course the person you love, who also loves you is going to be annoyed and irritated with you from time to time! You should, on some level, expect it, and not let yourself get so bent out of shape when it comes up.

Love can be proactive or reactive. In other words, you can be intentional and assertive with your love by loving someone the way that you want to love somebody. Your ideas, your choice to give the way you want to give, impress the way you want to impress, compliment on the things that mean the most to you. Or you can be more of a reactive lover: doing the things that he/she wants to do, responding to their needs, helping them out on their projects and to-do items.

Effective love involves a mixture of the two. On the reactive extreme, nobody really respects the person who dotes after them, following them along like a lost puppy. “It doesn’t matter to me. What do you want to do?” At least, not all the time. And on the other swing of the pendulum, someone who always takes the bull by the horns and calls all of the shots tends to send the message that you are just along for the ride, and your opinions and how you want to be loved doesn’t really matter. Either approach, over time, loses respect and gets old.

So what does this have to do with your annoying quirks? It would seem that having your less than admirable qualities put front and center would put you in the reactive camp: “Sorry dear, I will try harder next time.” Which, in fact, is a better response than your average proactive lover, who will get defensive and feel disgusted that you don’t appreciate all he or she does. But in reality, that is simply a reactive response by a person who wants to be left alone to love when he/she feels like it.

Here is what I suggest:

1. That you carry around with you in your back pocket the reality that from time to time, one of your less than desirable qualities will invite a response from the one you love. Don’t be so surprised!

2. When the shot comes across your bow, you receive it and show that you are taking the time to think about the impact that behavior might have on someone else.

3. Resist feeling like you now have to reactively comply by bending yet another of your ways to get out of everyone else’s way. In fact, resist any negative feeling. It isn’t that you are sub-par or inadequate, it’s just your annoying quirk. There is a difference!

4. Instead, choose to feel empowered! You just uncovered one of the missing puzzle pieces for how you can demonstrate your love in a new way that honors the person you love. Be proactive in how you can lovingly respond by smoothing out one of your jagged edges:

• Make sure you are on time or early for everything for a week.

• Have the guts to make some decisions, even if some wind up being wrong.

• Got gas? Leave the room first.

• Leave the bathroom cleaner than you found it… every time.

• Let someone else drive, and just enjoy the ride, or drive a tad more responsibly.

• Put the remote down, and help out around the house. Take some ownership!

• Take smaller portions, skip desert once in a while, and invite him/her on a walk around the block.

So apparently, I leave things out after using them from time to time. Looks like that is one of my jagged edges. You have your jagged edges too. I have an opportunity in this coming week to work on improving myself, loving my wife in a new way (by cleaning up after myself), and subtly demonstrating that I am still capable of improving myself, while showing her that she is still worth the effort. In fact, that sets me up for a more challenging and engaging week than the one I would have planned.

You can let yourself ‘go negative’ when these bombs drop in your lap, or you can use them to expand the way that you express your love. Take the easy route, and watch the love between you grow a little colder. Put a little effort into the latter and you grow as a person and in your relationship. The choice is up to you.